PATRIARCHAL PANGS
The instant my twins were born, I regularly received well intentioned child-rearing and parenthood advice — despite the fact that I rarely asked for it. What’s interesting is I’d receive counsel from complete strangers and many folks who didn’t even have children. For example, once on a stroll with the girls, we were waiting to cross the street and Hope started to fuss. A woman next to me said “She’s probably teething, you should try honey.” I smiled, looked at my barely one year old and recalled that honey was on the do not feed list at that age from our pediatrician. I responded, “Oh! Thanks. How old are your kids?” And she said, “Oh I don’t have any but my sister does.” Needless to say, my girl Hope was not teething. It was nap time.
Now that our girls are three, going on 13, I mean 4, I’m finding that I now give advice when I meet a soon-to-be parent going to have their very first kid. It’s also happening probably because I recently binge watched the Dan Fogelman show “This is Us.” Once my girls and hubby were passed out, I’d pop my earbuds in and App-open Hulu to dive into the latest past and future unveilings (thanks to time jumps) of the fictitious Pearson family. Inevitably I’d be bawling, like ugly crying — thinking of my own family losses, wins, dashed dreams or hopes. I also realized lessons I’ve learned and ones I want to, almost need to, share.
My own Father passed away in 2008 and thus, my daughters will never get the chance to know him. For years, my husband would say “I wish I met your Dad” or “I wish your Dad was still alive”. I’d typically nod to acknowledge his sentiment but not add anything to the conversation. I think it was my way of trying to minimize the hole in my heart and trying to be practical about Dad’s passing. I mean, he died and no amount of wishing or conversation was going to change that. For years, I stayed adamant in that belief.
Enter the power of television and “This is Us.” Fogelman’s show has inspired me to see that life is filled with moments that are constantly happening. Moments that if we can be truly present and pay attention — they can stick, connect or bind us together. The converse is of course true — our choices can also drive us away from the people we love. What I’ve realized is that moment to moment, if I can be open to whatever pops up before me and then choose an action out of what matters most in my heart (versus my head) — then life is so sweet and often in the simplest of ways.
The other week, I was loading the dishwasher and my daughter Makena came up to me and asked if I would color with her. Now normally, when I’m in the zone of “I can’t stand our filthy kitchen” — I can’t be bothered with anything until it’s spotless. I’d typically respond with a version of “In a minute!” Well, okay — it’s more like “When I’m done cleaning the kitchen for all of you, my dear family, yeah, you all keep having your fun because it’s totally okay that I’m the only one in this house doing any chores right now.” And my girls and hubby would not catch (or ignore) the passive aggressive tone and continue to do their things while I kept on keepin’ on with my sterilizing agenda.
This time, however, I thought of the “This is Us” patriarch — Jack Pearson. And this dude — he’s like, a for real Dad. And it’s not that he’s perfect (pseudo-spoiler alert: he has a major drinking problem). It’s just that he takes the time to look into his kid’s or his wife’s eyes and he takes them in and he gives them his undivided attention — often when they need it most. So with my Jack-inspiration, I kneeled before my Makena and looked her in the eyes and said, “I would love to color with you.” And she tilted her head in the cutest, coyest way and beamed at me. We held hands, went to color and you know what? The kitchen still got clean AND I got to enjoy that time with my daughter.
Moment to moment choices can also lead to big deal levels of growth. Fairly recently, the topic of my Dad popped up with my husband and I felt that pang in my heart — of missing him and I chose to accept it. Then I said to my man, “I wish you met my Dad. You would’ve liked him and he really would have liked you.” And then — the pang turned to peace and just like that, I knew I’d also be able to share the truths and joys about my Dad with my girls when they become ready to hear about him. And I’ll be able to find ways to honor him in our own family traditions all while enjoying his presence and spirit in our home and in my heart.
So in honor of my Dad, who was a deep and thoughtful father but a man who got to the point, here’s my top three tips for my first time parents out there:
1. ONLY USE ONSIES WITH ZIPPERS.
People will give you the cutest ones with snaps. Ask them to exchange them for an equally cute zip up one. You’ll avoid the inevitable mis-aligning of buttons, which leads to frustration on both parent and child’s state, especially when you all are tired/sleepy.
2. READ 12 HOURS OF SLEEP BY 12 WEEKS BY SUZY GIORDANO.
It’s one of only two childrearing books I read (the other was The Baby Book by Dr. William and Martha Sears). Our twins slept 12 hours a night by 5 months of age (we took longer because they were premature). Consequently, we started to have a few hours of couple’s connecting time AND 8 hours of sleep. We can count on our hands the number of times they’d wake up at night and all the other sleepful nights were pure gifts.
3. ENJOY THE MOMENTS.
Take them in fully — each one a present in THE Present and feel all that goody-goody love that is your life.
And P.S. Watch “This is Us!” (duh!)
